In the last two weeks I have had the opportunity to sit in a theater to watch 3 different films…
Here are my reviews of each:
KINGSMAN: SECRET SERVICE:
I was invited to see this flick by a buddy of mine and I went in blind because I had not even seen a trailer of it before walking into the theater. It was rated R and I expected some violence and language, but what I didn’t expect was the preview trailer before the film. On the screen came the preview of the movie “unfinished business” and I was subject to non stop cursing from the start and it ended with a full nudity sex scene that was meant to be funny. Sorry Hollywood, it wasn’t funny at all. As a matter of fact it almost spoiled my movie. When you go to a film with an expectation of the content that is in it and then met with a trailer that is more inappropriate than the movie itself, you feel cheated and ticked off.
So enough of that rant. Lets get to the movie review. It started off amazing with a smart james bond type of script. It was slick, creative and heady. As soon as I got comfortable with that Samuel Jackson came on the screen as the bad guy that can be best described as the cross between Russell Simmons, Snakes on a plane, and a Dr. Evil with a lisp. I was so entranced with this film and when Sam Jackson showed up I could no longer take the movie seriously. I decided to sit back and attempt to calm my spy alter ego down. I found myself entertained, but no longer impressed. The violence was over the top and almost cartoony which ruined the smarty spy aspect. At the end of the movie we find out a mechanism in a persons neck could make their head explode. Ok.. That actually does make sense… and then we actually see 200 peoples heads explode. Do they explode like you would anticipate with blood and brains all over and us wanting to throw up from disgust? Nope… they explode with colored chalk dust in a cloud of purple and blue rainbows followed by a mushroom cloud of disappointment. To cap it all off, because I can only assume they wanted to compete with the “coming soon trailer” before it they decided to throw in a butt shot in the last 2 min for absolutely no reason at all.
Conclusion – I tried… I really tried… Sam Jackson and the color chalk exploding heads made a really cool spy thriller into a fantastical dumb mess. – 2 of 5 stars
THE IMITATION GAME:
My wife and I had a date night last week that started off with a nasty, moldy piece of toast at IHOP. It was essential that this movie changed the trajectory of my evening. THANK GOD IT DID! I am a huge fan of Benedict Cumberbatch, having first become a fan with the BBC show “Sherlock”. I don’t have a ton to say about this movie because there is literally nothing about it I could complain about. The story was based on a true one and while I had heard pieces of this, it was amazing to watch what happened. The acting was extraordinary! The script was well written, believable, inspiring and obviously a labour of love. I didn’t want this movie to end. It is not a traditional war movie because it is centered around a bunch of code breakers. This movie is a masterpiece.
Conclusion – If you don’t see this film I will come to your house and smack you. 5 of 5 stars
Do you see the picture I chose for this post with the girl, Jupiter, falling from a building and screaming that somebody would save her from the pending doom? That is exactly how I felt watching this movie. I really wanted to see this movie. I really wanted to like this movie and I really wish I had bought a coffee to bring into the theater because my friends to the left and right of my both fell asleep. The PG in the PG-13 rating for this movie I’m sure stood for PIECE OF GARBAGE! Visually it was mind-blowing and memorizing even if the laser guns never seemed to hit anything or anybody. As I was being entranced by the visual effects, the space ships and the intergalactic steam punk world I was bombarded by quite possibly the worst script ever written in movie history. It was like that scene in the wizard of OZ where Dorothy was told to “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”. The Visual effects were designed to attempt to distract us from a script that was obviously written by a panel of 4 year olds. Somewhere in the middle of the movie, as we were all woken up from our slumber in the utter boredom, it became apparent we were watching a Space twilight movie. Every time there was a cool fight scene I would sit up excited to finally get into the movie, only then to find myself scratching my head wondering why something so beautiful was so boring and contrived. There are three major bad guys who individually have a climactic scene. Oddly enough though the scenes end with nothing climatic ad all and cut to another place in space. As a movie watcher you are tossed around, jumbled up and forced to ingest this story on account you don’t want to waste your $9 by walking out.
Caine is falling in love with Jupiter, but Doesn’t believe they have much in common. Jupiter disagrees…
Caine Wise: Your Majesty, I have more in common with a dog than I have with you.
Jupiter Jones: I love dogs
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! “I LOVE DOGS” as she leans in and tries to kiss him? all this script convinces me is to write a PSA to all the kids out there. Ahem… KIDS… DON’T DO DRUGS and STAY IN SCHOOL or else you will write dumb crap like this!
There is even one scene where she asks CAine “do you want to bite me now?” He doesn’t bite her, thankfully, but this MOVIE sure BITES!
Conclusion – I could literally talk about every every moment of this ‘dog dung wrapped in a beautiful package’, but It’s best I put it simply. DO NOT see this movie! Let me give you some recommendations of other crappy movies instead so you can grasp how bad this was. Battlefield earth, Leonard part 6, BioDome, Catwoman, Rabid Grannies. Are you tracking with me here? 2 hours & 5 min you will NEVER EVER get back. 0 of 5 stars
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