I personally needed to get away so I could refocus. I have been very agitated, negative, bitter, and sarcastic. Mostly I have been dissatisfied. I seem to be not content with anything. If I get a guitar I need another. If my wife kisses me I need 3-13 more. If i have a good day with my kids I decide it wasn’t good enough. I have been battling with my work as well. I am in a rock and a hard place with being a stay at home dad, not doing that job very well and at the same time it is impossible to get new business with 3 kids in the house. I struggle with the fact my wife is a better mom. My insecurities get the best of me. I have been married for almost 11 years yet still think about guys my wife dated 13 years ago and feel like I done match up. I am amazed even to this day she married me.
It has been a day of fun, but I am constantly seeking these few days. I am praying God teaches me how to be content, but not complacent. Satisfied, but not stationary. Secure in who God says I am so I can be the man my wife thinks she married not the man I actually was. I need to find joy in the little things. I need to be able to focus on the good with the kids and stop harping on the negative. Is this easy? Hell no! But I have been getting more and more negative and I can’t let that happen.
There is a plumb-line in a Christian mans life. You have to measure yourself to Jesus as the plubline. He was a man of compassion not negativity. He was full of love not bitterness. I served others. He saw the good where others could see no good.
I spoke to my youth group about the story of the woman with the blood issue. She sought Jesus and reached for his hem so she would be healed. I kind of feel like thats why I am taking this trip. i need to get rid of this crap.
Healer song says. “I believe Your my portion” I am hooked on this song mostly because of this line. I belive is not good enough for me. Yeah I believe He is my portion, but it seems putting that into action is so much different.
Why is it so hard to let God have all of us? To put ourselves into his hands? I worship a God who put the created earth and breathed the stars into existence yet I can’t seem to trust Him in my family, job, and life.
My wife, who is absolutly amazing deserves better than me. She deserves a guy who is in shape, is attractive, and just has it together. Instead she chose me. Do we fight? of course. Do we annoy eachother sometimes? of course. Do I want anybody else. NO WAY! I am satisfied, but I refuse to be stationary. I have to keep working on our marraige. She deserves it. She took a chance on me.
My boys are the cutest kids in the world. We have been having issues with anger in our house and I know that much of my additude in life has spilled over into my kids. They deserve better. They deserve to see the glass half full. I need to teach them that. To see the good in things.
I seem to have been sitting on my spiritual ass and it’s time to get off of it. I don’t know how I will make money with being a stay at home dad with 3 kids. I don’t know how I will make time to lose weight. I don’t know how I will ever stop wondering how my wife could actually love a guy like me. I don’t know what is going to happen with my hope for full time minstry. I don’t know why I have the gifts of negativity, sarcasm, and procrastination. I don’t know if clients of mine are going to resign thier contracts. I don’t know how to fulfill the dreams and visions God has placed in my heart…etc etc.
I just don’t know
But I am determined to have REAL faith in my God, the starbreather, and lay all of this in his hands. My family deserves it, I deserve it, and God wants it.
Pray for my Gorgeous wife. Pray for my amazing kids. They are truely gifts from a great God.